So helpful, Christina! I was just journaling about this today and asking God to take the sting out of others' success. Sometimes a gorgeous piece of art (in any form) makes me feel envy that is like despair. I never once connected this to my longing to be united with beauty. Also, truly love Surprised By Joy. It is such a good read. My tenth and eleventh grade students were cracking up over Lewis's stylistic inversions: pages and pages devoted to his childhood literary preferences and sentences glossing over the war. We concluded that for Lewis the important thing about a person is which books shaped their imagination. It sparked so many good discussions. Bless you for the honesty and revelation here. Reading it felt holy.
Thank you, Abigail! Oh my gosh how cool is it that you were reading Surprised by Joy with your high schoolers! What a rich reading list. I wish we’d done that in my high school!
Also thank you for sharing about your own feelings of envy. I feel like this particular flavour of jealousy isn’t talked about much, and it’s healing to see how NOT alone I am in this struggle.
I knew this essay was for me when you opened by talking about experiencing jealousy at a concert, which is something I experience all the time when it comes to musical artists (be they Christian or not) and have always felt embarrassed about.
The funny thing is, music isn’t even a type of art I feel strongly called to??? And yet I can’t deny the envy that rises up in me when I hear the praises of people like Taylor Swift (maybe because people often specifically praise her writing, a type of art I DO feel called to), and I’ve always felt embarrassed about it. This was so helpful in better understanding my own heart and mind and longings, and I absolutely love the idea that our envy of other creative stems for our deep desire for the beauty only found in God.
I’ll end this comment with one of my favorite parts 💜
“As I truly seek my Father’s heart, I’m romanced by my own life. Because wherever I desire Him, He offers Himself to me. And whatever way in which He chooses to draw me near IS the most compelling, satisfying state of affairs in which I might find myself.”
Ahhh thank you, Kati! I can’t tell you how much the TSwift envy resonates. 😂
When I was younger, too, my favourite teeny bopper artists were Hilary Duff and Aly & Aj, and I remember looking at my photos from their concerts that I attended and feeling this indescribable pang of sorrow and longing. I know now what that is. Incidentally, music IS something I’ve always felt called to, and I used to write songs, but my singing voice is mediocre and despite practicing my guitar for hours, I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around music theory. I stopped playing ten years ago. It’s a grief for me. Maybe something God can redeem someday? I don’t know. But at least now, I have a better understanding of where the “pangs” come from.
I loved this so much. I’ve never really heard others talk about that longing when you see someone’s creation but it’s helped me put some feelings into words. A jealousy yes, and also maybe a sadness or longing. You might like Makoto Fujimaras book art and faith which explores some of these very ideas and what we glimpse and gain from art. He speaks so beautifully about how art is central to the gospel and this idea of making or creating as a means of looking on the fallen world and creating signs that point back to Creation and how art is linked to lamentation (which also points back to Gods beauty and redemption and glory). It’s a phenomenal book about art as worship but also art as gospel sharing.
Thank you for the book suggestion, Laura! I’ll add it to my reading list. And honestly, it’s so fascinating to me how many of us struggle with this type of jealousy but don’t know how to put it into words. It’s been so enlightening for me to see all of these people who share my struggles.
Thanks for your honesty about enneagram. I’ve struggled about being put in a box in spite of their attempts to allow God’s divinity into it. He and only He created me and the only me. Very good piece. I’m released.
Incredibleee. Beautifully written. This is essay is anointed. Not just for creatives struggling with envy, but as you said, anyone who struggles with envy at all, which in some way is all of us or has been or will be. Thank you for sharing Christina!!
What a beautifully written, relatable piece. Jealousy is a good ol' toxic friend of mine, too. But as I learn more and more that art is only and ever intended to be worship, I am finding it harder to be jealous of anyone who stands beside me singing "Holy, Holy, Holy" in their unique voice, (even if I happen to think theirs is more powerful or beautiful or impactful than mine). So what if it is? What rest I find in that, and what joy, too.
I've been thinking so much about Isaac's piece and I'm glad you made me aware of your earlier piece on beauty. It's something I'm wrestling with at the moment and, like always, I'm grateful for what you've given me to think about!
Hi 1st 2 letters-OK .2nd good writing( we Love Lewis, seeming and hoping sometimes that it’s almost not possible to get enough of Him), 3rd about 4 or 5 Word passages, come to my thoughts Galatians 615 new creation, GAL6: 14 4 But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whichfn the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.,( paul mentions Circumcis…), next first Corinthians 12, all of it the whole chapter, but specifically verse 11, we are all members of the same body so Cristina I recognized you through listening in ,and reading The battle cry- plus this passage that there is an extreme gift there and I am very thankful for that and for You , lastly, 2 Timothy chapter 3-most of the whole chapter, but what really spoke to my heart was was I heard in a message down on the Oregon coast during mom‘s day at a small Bible church about Paul’s complete faith in TIMOTHY, to exercise and approve the word of God. 2 Timothy 315. ‘All scripture ‘ is… :15 and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.
16 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness,
proof. lastly, we are new creations. I have begun to realize, and at my stage, I’m about 50. That I’m around the horn, and I’m not going to need to bother to be thinking about jealousy or trying to be consumed, by becoming and getting extra creative. I need to do a better job with my brothers and sisters in my church,. And I know it. Besides regularly attending CHURCH ,(have been a faithful Christian believer in Non-denominational Christianity for 44 years)(was in a cult like atmosphere. Ecclesiastical denomination between the age of ~19 and 22) as much as I can I did the entire New Testament in a 5 to 6 year. Period early weekday a.m. Bible study and I’m so thankful for that one main opportunity.
When you start by quoting The Weight of Glory, you've got my attention. I definitely feel this! I've dealt with that feeling of jealousy in my life so much, and I think you finally put it into words. I don't *want* to feel jealous and also I often have been confused at the feeling because I don't even necessarily want that exact thing that they (gestures broadly) have. I don't want to sing on a stage for hundreds of people, and yet I feel strangely sad watching someone perform and imagining that I will never have that same experience of beauty. And even if I do make something something that seemingly fills that ache in my heart, it will not stay that way. What a hope that we have eternity of knowing beauty to look forward to.
These reflections are so good. I think about God’s beauty and God as Beauty a lot, since it’s the basis for beautiful discipleship, but I’d never thought of it in the context of creativity and envy. Thank you.
So helpful, Christina! I was just journaling about this today and asking God to take the sting out of others' success. Sometimes a gorgeous piece of art (in any form) makes me feel envy that is like despair. I never once connected this to my longing to be united with beauty. Also, truly love Surprised By Joy. It is such a good read. My tenth and eleventh grade students were cracking up over Lewis's stylistic inversions: pages and pages devoted to his childhood literary preferences and sentences glossing over the war. We concluded that for Lewis the important thing about a person is which books shaped their imagination. It sparked so many good discussions. Bless you for the honesty and revelation here. Reading it felt holy.
Thank you, Abigail! Oh my gosh how cool is it that you were reading Surprised by Joy with your high schoolers! What a rich reading list. I wish we’d done that in my high school!
Also thank you for sharing about your own feelings of envy. I feel like this particular flavour of jealousy isn’t talked about much, and it’s healing to see how NOT alone I am in this struggle.
I knew this essay was for me when you opened by talking about experiencing jealousy at a concert, which is something I experience all the time when it comes to musical artists (be they Christian or not) and have always felt embarrassed about.
The funny thing is, music isn’t even a type of art I feel strongly called to??? And yet I can’t deny the envy that rises up in me when I hear the praises of people like Taylor Swift (maybe because people often specifically praise her writing, a type of art I DO feel called to), and I’ve always felt embarrassed about it. This was so helpful in better understanding my own heart and mind and longings, and I absolutely love the idea that our envy of other creative stems for our deep desire for the beauty only found in God.
I’ll end this comment with one of my favorite parts 💜
“As I truly seek my Father’s heart, I’m romanced by my own life. Because wherever I desire Him, He offers Himself to me. And whatever way in which He chooses to draw me near IS the most compelling, satisfying state of affairs in which I might find myself.”
Ahhh thank you, Kati! I can’t tell you how much the TSwift envy resonates. 😂
When I was younger, too, my favourite teeny bopper artists were Hilary Duff and Aly & Aj, and I remember looking at my photos from their concerts that I attended and feeling this indescribable pang of sorrow and longing. I know now what that is. Incidentally, music IS something I’ve always felt called to, and I used to write songs, but my singing voice is mediocre and despite practicing my guitar for hours, I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around music theory. I stopped playing ten years ago. It’s a grief for me. Maybe something God can redeem someday? I don’t know. But at least now, I have a better understanding of where the “pangs” come from.
I loved this so much. I’ve never really heard others talk about that longing when you see someone’s creation but it’s helped me put some feelings into words. A jealousy yes, and also maybe a sadness or longing. You might like Makoto Fujimaras book art and faith which explores some of these very ideas and what we glimpse and gain from art. He speaks so beautifully about how art is central to the gospel and this idea of making or creating as a means of looking on the fallen world and creating signs that point back to Creation and how art is linked to lamentation (which also points back to Gods beauty and redemption and glory). It’s a phenomenal book about art as worship but also art as gospel sharing.
Thank you for the book suggestion, Laura! I’ll add it to my reading list. And honestly, it’s so fascinating to me how many of us struggle with this type of jealousy but don’t know how to put it into words. It’s been so enlightening for me to see all of these people who share my struggles.
Thanks for your honesty about enneagram. I’ve struggled about being put in a box in spite of their attempts to allow God’s divinity into it. He and only He created me and the only me. Very good piece. I’m released.
Thanks so much, Dan! I wrote an entire article about my shift with the enneagram a few months ago if you’d like to read it: https://open.substack.com/pub/christinalynnwallace/p/the-truth-about-the-enneagram-that?r=2rh35t&utm_medium=ios
Incredibleee. Beautifully written. This is essay is anointed. Not just for creatives struggling with envy, but as you said, anyone who struggles with envy at all, which in some way is all of us or has been or will be. Thank you for sharing Christina!!
Thank you, Katie! 🥹
Ooof. This hits me in the feels. Truly needed this. ❤️
What a beautifully written, relatable piece. Jealousy is a good ol' toxic friend of mine, too. But as I learn more and more that art is only and ever intended to be worship, I am finding it harder to be jealous of anyone who stands beside me singing "Holy, Holy, Holy" in their unique voice, (even if I happen to think theirs is more powerful or beautiful or impactful than mine). So what if it is? What rest I find in that, and what joy, too.
I've been thinking so much about Isaac's piece and I'm glad you made me aware of your earlier piece on beauty. It's something I'm wrestling with at the moment and, like always, I'm grateful for what you've given me to think about!
Always so grateful to have you here, Hannah! You’re such an encouragement to me (and a kindred spirit in so many ways).
Hi 1st 2 letters-OK .2nd good writing( we Love Lewis, seeming and hoping sometimes that it’s almost not possible to get enough of Him), 3rd about 4 or 5 Word passages, come to my thoughts Galatians 615 new creation, GAL6: 14 4 But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whichfn the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.,( paul mentions Circumcis…), next first Corinthians 12, all of it the whole chapter, but specifically verse 11, we are all members of the same body so Cristina I recognized you through listening in ,and reading The battle cry- plus this passage that there is an extreme gift there and I am very thankful for that and for You , lastly, 2 Timothy chapter 3-most of the whole chapter, but what really spoke to my heart was was I heard in a message down on the Oregon coast during mom‘s day at a small Bible church about Paul’s complete faith in TIMOTHY, to exercise and approve the word of God. 2 Timothy 315. ‘All scripture ‘ is… :15 and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.
16 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness,
proof. lastly, we are new creations. I have begun to realize, and at my stage, I’m about 50. That I’m around the horn, and I’m not going to need to bother to be thinking about jealousy or trying to be consumed, by becoming and getting extra creative. I need to do a better job with my brothers and sisters in my church,. And I know it. Besides regularly attending CHURCH ,(have been a faithful Christian believer in Non-denominational Christianity for 44 years)(was in a cult like atmosphere. Ecclesiastical denomination between the age of ~19 and 22) as much as I can I did the entire New Testament in a 5 to 6 year. Period early weekday a.m. Bible study and I’m so thankful for that one main opportunity.
Thank you so much for those scriptures and for sharing your thoughts, Joel. Grateful to have you here. :)
I'm starting to see that...
When you start by quoting The Weight of Glory, you've got my attention. I definitely feel this! I've dealt with that feeling of jealousy in my life so much, and I think you finally put it into words. I don't *want* to feel jealous and also I often have been confused at the feeling because I don't even necessarily want that exact thing that they (gestures broadly) have. I don't want to sing on a stage for hundreds of people, and yet I feel strangely sad watching someone perform and imagining that I will never have that same experience of beauty. And even if I do make something something that seemingly fills that ache in my heart, it will not stay that way. What a hope that we have eternity of knowing beauty to look forward to.
These reflections are so good. I think about God’s beauty and God as Beauty a lot, since it’s the basis for beautiful discipleship, but I’d never thought of it in the context of creativity and envy. Thank you.