You may not see this comment as I know I’m writing long after you shared this essay, but I want to say thank you for your honesty and for sharing the deep questions you ask.
This is this first comment I’ve ever made on Substack and I am still working out how it all
works.
I came here to find a safe place to write and read and interact with people who don’t fear vulnerability, nor misunderstand the desire to share thoughts as poetry or prose.
I have been through a season of great upheaval and change, and still find myself in the middle of it.
Poetry has been my healing as it’s allowed me to express my deepest yearnings and learnings as I navigate this lonely phase. I was posting them on Facebook and received some lovely engagement from friends but in doing so I have made my husband very concerned for me. He is worried that the culture of Facebook is too brutal and other may see my writing as evidence of my struggle and they won’t understand the way I think they will.
I was quite hurt and shocked that I could be so seemingly naive, when I was comfortable with my little windows of vulnerability. They were all positive, beautiful even.
I’ve shrunk back into myself like a snail and feel lonely again. It’s a rare feeling for me because I am an extrovert and long for connection.
I hope that I will find safety here among people like you.
Jo, thank you for such a thoughtful comment! You are so welcome here, and I’m blessed to know that my work has helped you feel seen. Substack is such a beautiful online space, and I suspect that you’re going to find a lot of kindred spirits here. Welcome. ♥️
I suspect you’ll get some more comments on this essay. I heard about you today via a UCB 1 radio presenter (I’m thanking God a lot today) I feel challenged, but also that I’m not alone in my All or Nothing thinking.
Thank you, thank you, I’m inspired to also add to my blog. Something I’ve not done in a while. I love writing and I’ve been grieving it for a while because cognitive exertion with ME is draining but I will start small.
Thank you so much for coming over here to find me from UCB 1, Amanda! So glad you're here.
You're DEFINITELY not alone in your "all or nothing" thinking. I struggle with it almost every day.
And I'm SO glad I've inspired you to write! What an honour! Definitely pick up that pen, girl! Even if it's only for a few minutes a day, writing is such a gift. xx
Now I need to discipline myself to knuckle down and write when I feel inspired. I have the start of lots of essays inside me but I’m waiting for the passion burn to spark something up!
Wow, I love this so much and relate on SO many levels. I love your honesty. I deleted instagram from my phone but still periodically check it because FOMO is real, right? I also loved this line: "What if I am not lonely because I am broken but because I was inherently designed to be whole?" That is so encouraging to me because I'm often very lonely- I feel like I've been in and out of various levels of loneliness my whole life and have often condemned myself like something was wrong with me. But it sounds like maybe something actually is right with me because I'm supposed to long for more. I also agree that having balance and boundaries takes so much more energy than just choosing one extreme or the other. I have noticed this much in my life also. I have a dear friend that just moved to the East side of London, and now that I'm getting to "know" you in a way through your writing, it makes me want to visit England even more so that I can see her again and maybe meet you! That would be so fun.
Jul 30·edited Jul 30Liked by Christina Lynn Wallace
I was struck by something you wrote at the beginning of this piece: "I think to myself, 'here is the life I've always dreamed of'. And yet, sadness wraps itself around me like an itchy sheet..." I actually said something super similar to my therapist the other day, something like, "I'm living the life I always wanted, so how come I'm not happy?" Possibly along similar lines as you, I was referring to the fact that I gave up so much to move to the UK and get my dream degree and live in the place I dreamed of for years, etc. It was really illuminating to hear her reply that even if there are dreamy parts, I'm actually not living my dream life: I feel unfulfilled in my work, I have other long-term goals that aren't mine yet, I've gone through some pretty big disappointments and heartbreaks lately. Hearing her give me freedom to stop holding myself to that dream ideal and acknowledge that it isn't actually real was a really helpful perspective shift for me, and helped me release the guilt I felt for feeling bad - and now I actually feel better about feeling bad (lol). Unsure if that's helpful at all, but I'm with you in it ❤️
This is SUCH a helpful, healing perspective and I am so grateful that you shared it with me. I'd really love to meet up for coffee with you someday, lovely. I feel like we'd hit it off straight away. xx
I absolutely love your writing Christina and your words just always get to the heart of the matter 💗
Regarding Instagram: there is no one size fits all when it comes to that app. Some people have deleted their accounts and no longer have any social media. Others have family/friends that they would like to stay in touch with and don’t want to close their account. Back in April, I did a one month experiment where I took my Instagram account off of my phone and only accessed it through my laptop. I wanted to accomplish other things in my life and not always be on my phone, but I still wanted to be able to check in on my account, hence the laptop.
Well, we are in July and I never added that account back onto my phone. I still only check it through my laptop, which surprisingly isn’t that much. I think it worked for me because I haven’t posted to my grid since December and don’t really have any interest in doing so. (This might change at some future date, just not really feeling it right now). Maybe this way of utilizing Instagram might work for you in that you aren’t really getting rid of it, you are just adding a little bit of a hurdle to accessing it ✨
I don’t want to completely take up your comment section but wanted to say that I can really and truly relate to what you have said about loneliness. Your words help those of us feel seen, thank you 🥰
Mackenzie, I always smile when I see your name pop up in the comments! Thank you so much for reading my ramblings!
I totally wanted to use social media in the way you described: primarily on my laptop and not on my phone. This works for me regarding FB, but for IG, because I DO post on there for my business, it's a little more clunky to post using their desktop interface. Super annoying. For now, I'm basically using the work around that I download the app, upload what I need to upload, and then delete it again. Not ideal, but better than nothing!
May I suggest something learned from my mother’s decisions following dad’s death & also from Coursework for my Masters.
You wrote:
The fact that we live in an isolated town and still haven’t found a church is no doubt on the list of practical reasons why loneliness has crept in, but I know that there are deeper issues at play, and it’s annoyingly inconclusive to say that I don’t know what those issues are.
As I read this sentence, i knew from your earlier writings that you moved from America to England, changed citizenship & now you are adding a few other elements of change.
My father died in May (100 pts)
Change in Financial State (38 pts)
Child leaving home- off to college in Sept. (29 pts)
In 5 months, I had to take my mother to the hospital with abdominal bleeding & I could only total 167 points.
At the time, I was taking a management course that featured the chart of the Holmes and Rahe stress scale.
I have attached two such scales for you to consider and apply.
People whose scores have already gone up, should probably avoid major changes that are within their control, else they may load-up too many stress points & have an illness.
In any sense, we should all be mindful of how stress points can add-up.
Phil, thank you so much for sharing this. I have never heard of this scale before. This is absolutely fascinating, and I want to investigate it a bit more!
1 ) If a dog consumes garbage it is likely to be unwell; If I consume garbage, I am likely to be unwell.
2 ) One of the things about my autism that is pervasive and often overwhelming is my extreme social anxiety. So extreme that I tend to exhibit various odd behaviors when I am around people. Behaviors which are troubling to others and inevitably, to myself. Nevertheless, if I am feeling lonely, I seek out people.
Love Point 1, Bob. It's something I've been thinking about myself a lot, too.
Regarding Point 2, I don't think there's anything wrong with seeking out connection with other people. But in terms of experiencing social anxiety, I am so, so sorry. That is not something anybody should have to deal with.
Hi Christina,
You may not see this comment as I know I’m writing long after you shared this essay, but I want to say thank you for your honesty and for sharing the deep questions you ask.
This is this first comment I’ve ever made on Substack and I am still working out how it all
works.
I came here to find a safe place to write and read and interact with people who don’t fear vulnerability, nor misunderstand the desire to share thoughts as poetry or prose.
I have been through a season of great upheaval and change, and still find myself in the middle of it.
Poetry has been my healing as it’s allowed me to express my deepest yearnings and learnings as I navigate this lonely phase. I was posting them on Facebook and received some lovely engagement from friends but in doing so I have made my husband very concerned for me. He is worried that the culture of Facebook is too brutal and other may see my writing as evidence of my struggle and they won’t understand the way I think they will.
I was quite hurt and shocked that I could be so seemingly naive, when I was comfortable with my little windows of vulnerability. They were all positive, beautiful even.
I’ve shrunk back into myself like a snail and feel lonely again. It’s a rare feeling for me because I am an extrovert and long for connection.
I hope that I will find safety here among people like you.
Thank you for the glimpse of your heart.
Jo, thank you for such a thoughtful comment! You are so welcome here, and I’m blessed to know that my work has helped you feel seen. Substack is such a beautiful online space, and I suspect that you’re going to find a lot of kindred spirits here. Welcome. ♥️
Thank you! You’ve encouraged me to give it a try.
Wow . Wow . Wow.
Wow.
Thank you so much. <3
Beautifully written as usual. Thank you for sharing Christina!😊
Thank you for reading, Katie! :)
I suspect you’ll get some more comments on this essay. I heard about you today via a UCB 1 radio presenter (I’m thanking God a lot today) I feel challenged, but also that I’m not alone in my All or Nothing thinking.
Thank you, thank you, I’m inspired to also add to my blog. Something I’ve not done in a while. I love writing and I’ve been grieving it for a while because cognitive exertion with ME is draining but I will start small.
I’ll be back!!
Amanda x
Thank you so much for coming over here to find me from UCB 1, Amanda! So glad you're here.
You're DEFINITELY not alone in your "all or nothing" thinking. I struggle with it almost every day.
And I'm SO glad I've inspired you to write! What an honour! Definitely pick up that pen, girl! Even if it's only for a few minutes a day, writing is such a gift. xx
Now I need to discipline myself to knuckle down and write when I feel inspired. I have the start of lots of essays inside me but I’m waiting for the passion burn to spark something up!
I hope it will be worth waiting for.. xx
Wow, I love this so much and relate on SO many levels. I love your honesty. I deleted instagram from my phone but still periodically check it because FOMO is real, right? I also loved this line: "What if I am not lonely because I am broken but because I was inherently designed to be whole?" That is so encouraging to me because I'm often very lonely- I feel like I've been in and out of various levels of loneliness my whole life and have often condemned myself like something was wrong with me. But it sounds like maybe something actually is right with me because I'm supposed to long for more. I also agree that having balance and boundaries takes so much more energy than just choosing one extreme or the other. I have noticed this much in my life also. I have a dear friend that just moved to the East side of London, and now that I'm getting to "know" you in a way through your writing, it makes me want to visit England even more so that I can see her again and maybe meet you! That would be so fun.
Oh my gosh I would love that! Yes, come visit us in Good Old Blightey! :)
And thank you so much for reading this piece, Alexandria. I'm so glad it resonated with you!
I was struck by something you wrote at the beginning of this piece: "I think to myself, 'here is the life I've always dreamed of'. And yet, sadness wraps itself around me like an itchy sheet..." I actually said something super similar to my therapist the other day, something like, "I'm living the life I always wanted, so how come I'm not happy?" Possibly along similar lines as you, I was referring to the fact that I gave up so much to move to the UK and get my dream degree and live in the place I dreamed of for years, etc. It was really illuminating to hear her reply that even if there are dreamy parts, I'm actually not living my dream life: I feel unfulfilled in my work, I have other long-term goals that aren't mine yet, I've gone through some pretty big disappointments and heartbreaks lately. Hearing her give me freedom to stop holding myself to that dream ideal and acknowledge that it isn't actually real was a really helpful perspective shift for me, and helped me release the guilt I felt for feeling bad - and now I actually feel better about feeling bad (lol). Unsure if that's helpful at all, but I'm with you in it ❤️
This is SUCH a helpful, healing perspective and I am so grateful that you shared it with me. I'd really love to meet up for coffee with you someday, lovely. I feel like we'd hit it off straight away. xx
I absolutely love your writing Christina and your words just always get to the heart of the matter 💗
Regarding Instagram: there is no one size fits all when it comes to that app. Some people have deleted their accounts and no longer have any social media. Others have family/friends that they would like to stay in touch with and don’t want to close their account. Back in April, I did a one month experiment where I took my Instagram account off of my phone and only accessed it through my laptop. I wanted to accomplish other things in my life and not always be on my phone, but I still wanted to be able to check in on my account, hence the laptop.
Well, we are in July and I never added that account back onto my phone. I still only check it through my laptop, which surprisingly isn’t that much. I think it worked for me because I haven’t posted to my grid since December and don’t really have any interest in doing so. (This might change at some future date, just not really feeling it right now). Maybe this way of utilizing Instagram might work for you in that you aren’t really getting rid of it, you are just adding a little bit of a hurdle to accessing it ✨
I don’t want to completely take up your comment section but wanted to say that I can really and truly relate to what you have said about loneliness. Your words help those of us feel seen, thank you 🥰
Mackenzie, I always smile when I see your name pop up in the comments! Thank you so much for reading my ramblings!
I totally wanted to use social media in the way you described: primarily on my laptop and not on my phone. This works for me regarding FB, but for IG, because I DO post on there for my business, it's a little more clunky to post using their desktop interface. Super annoying. For now, I'm basically using the work around that I download the app, upload what I need to upload, and then delete it again. Not ideal, but better than nothing!
May I suggest something learned from my mother’s decisions following dad’s death & also from Coursework for my Masters.
You wrote:
The fact that we live in an isolated town and still haven’t found a church is no doubt on the list of practical reasons why loneliness has crept in, but I know that there are deeper issues at play, and it’s annoyingly inconclusive to say that I don’t know what those issues are.
As I read this sentence, i knew from your earlier writings that you moved from America to England, changed citizenship & now you are adding a few other elements of change.
My father died in May (100 pts)
Change in Financial State (38 pts)
Child leaving home- off to college in Sept. (29 pts)
In 5 months, I had to take my mother to the hospital with abdominal bleeding & I could only total 167 points.
At the time, I was taking a management course that featured the chart of the Holmes and Rahe stress scale.
I have attached two such scales for you to consider and apply.
People whose scores have already gone up, should probably avoid major changes that are within their control, else they may load-up too many stress points & have an illness.
In any sense, we should all be mindful of how stress points can add-up.
Blessings
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale&diffonly=true
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale#:~:text=Similar%20to%20the%20adult%20scale,63
Phil, thank you so much for sharing this. I have never heard of this scale before. This is absolutely fascinating, and I want to investigate it a bit more!
You’ve inspired in me a couple of thoughts :
1 ) If a dog consumes garbage it is likely to be unwell; If I consume garbage, I am likely to be unwell.
2 ) One of the things about my autism that is pervasive and often overwhelming is my extreme social anxiety. So extreme that I tend to exhibit various odd behaviors when I am around people. Behaviors which are troubling to others and inevitably, to myself. Nevertheless, if I am feeling lonely, I seek out people.
Other people who are often lonely :
The elderly.
Love Point 1, Bob. It's something I've been thinking about myself a lot, too.
Regarding Point 2, I don't think there's anything wrong with seeking out connection with other people. But in terms of experiencing social anxiety, I am so, so sorry. That is not something anybody should have to deal with.
Hi Maggie, I’ve sent you a direct message here on Substack. Please let me know when you receive it. God bless you. ♥️
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my essay and giving such a heartfelt, thoughtful comment in response, Maggie! Bless you. <3