"I am joyful, and I grieve. Grief does not erase joy." This is so powerful and what I've learned to embrace and live in over the past several years. Thank you for this beautiful reminder.
Beautiful. I love British landscape and tea! Your experience is a glimpse of heaven. For when we see Him in glory we will fall to our knees in worship and sing Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty.
I completely agree that it’s a glimpse of Heaven, Cherie! I feel like I’m a bit of a junkie for chasing those rare moments in thin places. Drunk on His presence. That feels like the only fitting — albeit a bit cheesy — way to put it. ♥️
I can’t believe you were 20 minutes drive away from where I live! Bradford-On-Avon is beautiful, I’m so glad you enjoyed it. I drive through it quite a lot but only started meandering there on a Summer’s evening quite recently.
I’m also glad that “Praise Be To God” was something you got to take away with you both. I understand the joy and the grief combination very well.
Thanks for reading, Amanda! I had no idea that you were so close! We absolutely fell in love with Bradford-on-Avon. Definitely worth the doddle in the summer. It felt like an actual storybook. ✨
Absolutely stunning and beautiful encounter with the Lord. Everything is grief but in Christ everything is joy too. I have a hard time enjoying good times in my life when I know I have areas of grief lingering behind the scenes. I would agree I think it is the Enneagram 4 in us 😂
I’m so glad it’s not just me. I feel like such a broody kill-joy all the time. I really DO enjoy my life. I’m just also sad all the time. 😂 The best description I ever heard of Enneagram 4s was “chronic longing machines” and I felt so seen. 🙋🏼♀️
Thanks Christina, now I'm crying at work, haha! This was so beautifully moving. I was moved to tears specifically when you started talking about how that old church was like a "thin place" to you and so filled with the weight of His glory. I could feel it, almost like I was there with you. I so long for places and moments and encounters like that. Maybe it's part of why I'm so frustrated with the typical American church. And it totally makes sense that everything is grief, though I've never thought about it that way. In fact, there have been times that there is such a deep heartache in me for no knowable reason whatsoever where I've been sobbing, longing for something. And I felt like Holy Spirit showed me that I'm just longing for Heaven, my home. As it says in Rom. 8, the whole earth is groaning. And I can often feel it. It makes me think of how different people carry different parts of God's heart and character- I'm also an enneagram 4 and I think one of the gifts of being a 4 is that we are specifically graced to feel the grief of this world, and even the grief of God Himself over how broken it is. But I loved how you highlighted the joy too- the grief doesn't take away the joy! Thank you for this beautiful work.
I’ve never heard Enneagram 4s explained in exactly that way, but YES. That rings so true. We are graced to feel some of the grief that God feels. So much of the “deep sadness” feels like insight into how much God also grieves the brokenness of this world.
I get your frustration with the typical American church. I have so many thoughts on this (I’m going to be writing an essay on the topic), but just to encourage you (actually, I don’t know if this is encouraging but hopefully you get what I mean lol) — I don’t feel this closeness in every “old church” I visit here in the UK. Some feel stuffy and removed from God, despite the beautiful architecture. Churches that aren’t connected to the Spirit are everywhere. Something about this little church building was special and rare. I believe there are church buildings like this in America, too. Just special and rare like my little Saxon one.
Have you read C.S. Lewis’ autobiography, Surprised by Joy? I think you’d like it. He talks about chasing the thin places, being hungry for them, realising that his dissatisfaction is a longing for our true home. ♥️
I felt the heaviness of your words but also the beauty that was weaved alongside it. I have empathy and compassion for your situation and what you are going through. If we were in person, I’d give you a big hug and tell you that you are resilient and strong, and that though you may not be able to see it now, there will be a rainbow after the storm.
Thank you for sharing the verse from Isaiah. My depression has enveloped me these past few weeks and I’m trying to send it on its merry way, but it has been difficult. The verse you shared gives me comfort ✨ xx
Thank you so much for reading and sharing, Mackenzie. It’s such a blessing to know that my writing is drawing you closer to the comfort of Jesus in the dark places. Praying peace and joy and a relief from the depression for you. ♥️
Christina and Humphrey is now Christina Chris and Humphrey on my prayer list, thanks to your sharing his name.
You know how our selfishness wants to interject our thoughts into someone's narrative and it sometimes consumes our attention waiting for the right opportunity?
I used to do that and had to discipline my nature out of it.
Now a child of God's nature I revived a modification of the original sin with the twist of listening for the need of someone's story, in wait of any clarity that blossoms in my heart as empathetic insight.
What's rewarding about the change is that my inspiration that once commanded my attention is replaced with my attention to their heart's cry.
This in turn compels me to listen more carefully to sense if my observation finds the center of their need.
Your need.
And sometimes my emotions color my interpretation of the need with remnants of my experience.
In this case it was Muttley9 who went to Heaven in 2009 that entered your anxiety over Humphrey intrinsic to your consciousness.
To that I say those we love become stains on the canvas of our soul, which leads to my second thought to share and perhaps the most important that all beauty has stains, cracks and scars that make it beautiful.
If beauty was perfection it would be boring and less than perfection.
That's why your palate blends joy, pain and grief. It's how you achieve the colors of your heart and what makes you unique, interesting and beautiful.
If you focus only on the flaws, it's easy to miss the beauty.
My insight is that Chris focuses on the beauty of the whole you.
And Chris's demonstration of graceful love could help you focus on the beautiful soul Humphrey holds within your love.
That said, I hope any of your trials help him get better, whether the Shitake mushroom extract ever works or not.
Muttley9 had two inch cancerous painful sores that ruined a lot of clothes as we rested together in a recliner over 15 months as the sores healed and hair returned. I missed my bed, but his need was greater than mine. He'd awake screaming in pain from simple moves and I felt his fear.
His stain is part of who I am, just like Humphrey is part of who you are from now on.
Embrace your scars. They're part of the beauty of who you are.
I could be way wrong. It's just what seeped in as I read your story and listened to your heart.
Shall, firstly, thank you. For your prayers, your story, and your thoughts. Your comment was so thoughtful and kind and humble. It hurt when I first read it, but I think it hurt because you were poking at areas I needed to have poked. The first thing that absolutely rang true was what you said about Chris. He truly is better at seeing the beauty in things and showing graceful love. He’s better at focusing on the good than I am. It’s one of the reasons I love him. He’s so good for me and pulls me out of myself. He teaches me the gentle things that God wants me to learn.
The thing I wrestled with was your comment about how love scars us. How beauty is made more beautiful by the imperfections. I believe in many ways that what you are saying is so true, but my heart resists it. I long for the Eden before the fall. I struggle to settle for anything less. In some ways, I believe this to be a good sign that I was indeed made for another world. But I know that I have to be careful lest that dissatisfaction turn into bitterness, resentment, or a lack of gratitude. I am not ashamed of my grief, but I don’t want to indulge my grief at the expense of not seeing the beauty in front of me — the beauty that shines out its strength PRECISELY because it has been able to remain bright in the darkness.
Thank you so much for sharing these words. I needed to hear them and will continue to chew on them. And again, I am so, so sorry for the pain you endured with your little Muttley. I can’t even imagine. But you carry your grief with grace, and I appreciate how you’ve connected to my story in a way that feels both personal but respectful. Bless you, Shall. I’m glad to have met you on here. ♥️
Also the history-lover in me who has only seen Great Britain from the windows of an airport is fascinated by the idea of worshipping in a 1300 year old church. I know this isn’t a travel blog, but I read your post thinking, “I want to go!”
Hahahaha! If I weren’t such a depressive, broody Enneagram 4, I’d honestly love to just write lighter travel content for all of the gorgeous places I’ve visited. Maybe one day. 😂
Your husband is a stonemason! Have either of you read Thomas Hardy’s “Jude the Obscure”? As I read it, I learned that Jude is the Patron Saint of Hopeless Causes. Hardy used the name deliberately because Jude was never going to ascend to the high status as a stonemason because he was not formally trained. Jude followed the masonry opportunities that presented themselves around England, but his family was just scraping by. The novel has a sad ending. As one reads “Jude”, knowledge is gained of the art he practiced, but Hardy believes that “fate” is Jude’s opponent. Like Melville’s “Moby Dick” which, on one level, is all about whaling, a deeper level is all about good and evil, Ahab & the white whale and Biblical symbology. “Jude the Obscure” is about skilled stone masons, on one level, but it is a dark drama on a doomed level. FYI
Oh my gosh you’re kidding! I was there on Saturday and met one of your colleagues. Kicking myself now because I can’t remember her name, but we chatted with her for a long time. She showed us the carving of the Good Samaritan.
"I am joyful, and I grieve. Grief does not erase joy." This is so powerful and what I've learned to embrace and live in over the past several years. Thank you for this beautiful reminder.
Thank you so much for reading, Brianna. Praying you can experience deep, holy joy, even in the grief. ♥️
WOWWWWWW. Wow .
♥️♥️♥️
Beautiful. I love British landscape and tea! Your experience is a glimpse of heaven. For when we see Him in glory we will fall to our knees in worship and sing Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty.
I completely agree that it’s a glimpse of Heaven, Cherie! I feel like I’m a bit of a junkie for chasing those rare moments in thin places. Drunk on His presence. That feels like the only fitting — albeit a bit cheesy — way to put it. ♥️
I can’t believe you were 20 minutes drive away from where I live! Bradford-On-Avon is beautiful, I’m so glad you enjoyed it. I drive through it quite a lot but only started meandering there on a Summer’s evening quite recently.
I’m also glad that “Praise Be To God” was something you got to take away with you both. I understand the joy and the grief combination very well.
You write beautifully ~ thanks for sharing xx
Thanks for reading, Amanda! I had no idea that you were so close! We absolutely fell in love with Bradford-on-Avon. Definitely worth the doddle in the summer. It felt like an actual storybook. ✨
Absolutely stunning and beautiful encounter with the Lord. Everything is grief but in Christ everything is joy too. I have a hard time enjoying good times in my life when I know I have areas of grief lingering behind the scenes. I would agree I think it is the Enneagram 4 in us 😂
I’m so glad it’s not just me. I feel like such a broody kill-joy all the time. I really DO enjoy my life. I’m just also sad all the time. 😂 The best description I ever heard of Enneagram 4s was “chronic longing machines” and I felt so seen. 🙋🏼♀️
What a beautiful encounter with the Lord and exploration of the mingling of grief and joy. Remember, Christina, that everything sad is coming untrue
Everything sad is coming untrue. Gosh what beauty in 5 words. Thank you, lovely one.
Thanks Christina, now I'm crying at work, haha! This was so beautifully moving. I was moved to tears specifically when you started talking about how that old church was like a "thin place" to you and so filled with the weight of His glory. I could feel it, almost like I was there with you. I so long for places and moments and encounters like that. Maybe it's part of why I'm so frustrated with the typical American church. And it totally makes sense that everything is grief, though I've never thought about it that way. In fact, there have been times that there is such a deep heartache in me for no knowable reason whatsoever where I've been sobbing, longing for something. And I felt like Holy Spirit showed me that I'm just longing for Heaven, my home. As it says in Rom. 8, the whole earth is groaning. And I can often feel it. It makes me think of how different people carry different parts of God's heart and character- I'm also an enneagram 4 and I think one of the gifts of being a 4 is that we are specifically graced to feel the grief of this world, and even the grief of God Himself over how broken it is. But I loved how you highlighted the joy too- the grief doesn't take away the joy! Thank you for this beautiful work.
I’ve never heard Enneagram 4s explained in exactly that way, but YES. That rings so true. We are graced to feel some of the grief that God feels. So much of the “deep sadness” feels like insight into how much God also grieves the brokenness of this world.
I get your frustration with the typical American church. I have so many thoughts on this (I’m going to be writing an essay on the topic), but just to encourage you (actually, I don’t know if this is encouraging but hopefully you get what I mean lol) — I don’t feel this closeness in every “old church” I visit here in the UK. Some feel stuffy and removed from God, despite the beautiful architecture. Churches that aren’t connected to the Spirit are everywhere. Something about this little church building was special and rare. I believe there are church buildings like this in America, too. Just special and rare like my little Saxon one.
Have you read C.S. Lewis’ autobiography, Surprised by Joy? I think you’d like it. He talks about chasing the thin places, being hungry for them, realising that his dissatisfaction is a longing for our true home. ♥️
I felt the heaviness of your words but also the beauty that was weaved alongside it. I have empathy and compassion for your situation and what you are going through. If we were in person, I’d give you a big hug and tell you that you are resilient and strong, and that though you may not be able to see it now, there will be a rainbow after the storm.
Thank you for sharing the verse from Isaiah. My depression has enveloped me these past few weeks and I’m trying to send it on its merry way, but it has been difficult. The verse you shared gives me comfort ✨ xx
Thank you so much for reading and sharing, Mackenzie. It’s such a blessing to know that my writing is drawing you closer to the comfort of Jesus in the dark places. Praying peace and joy and a relief from the depression for you. ♥️
Christina and Humphrey is now Christina Chris and Humphrey on my prayer list, thanks to your sharing his name.
You know how our selfishness wants to interject our thoughts into someone's narrative and it sometimes consumes our attention waiting for the right opportunity?
I used to do that and had to discipline my nature out of it.
Now a child of God's nature I revived a modification of the original sin with the twist of listening for the need of someone's story, in wait of any clarity that blossoms in my heart as empathetic insight.
What's rewarding about the change is that my inspiration that once commanded my attention is replaced with my attention to their heart's cry.
This in turn compels me to listen more carefully to sense if my observation finds the center of their need.
Your need.
And sometimes my emotions color my interpretation of the need with remnants of my experience.
In this case it was Muttley9 who went to Heaven in 2009 that entered your anxiety over Humphrey intrinsic to your consciousness.
To that I say those we love become stains on the canvas of our soul, which leads to my second thought to share and perhaps the most important that all beauty has stains, cracks and scars that make it beautiful.
If beauty was perfection it would be boring and less than perfection.
That's why your palate blends joy, pain and grief. It's how you achieve the colors of your heart and what makes you unique, interesting and beautiful.
If you focus only on the flaws, it's easy to miss the beauty.
My insight is that Chris focuses on the beauty of the whole you.
And Chris's demonstration of graceful love could help you focus on the beautiful soul Humphrey holds within your love.
That said, I hope any of your trials help him get better, whether the Shitake mushroom extract ever works or not.
Muttley9 had two inch cancerous painful sores that ruined a lot of clothes as we rested together in a recliner over 15 months as the sores healed and hair returned. I missed my bed, but his need was greater than mine. He'd awake screaming in pain from simple moves and I felt his fear.
His stain is part of who I am, just like Humphrey is part of who you are from now on.
Embrace your scars. They're part of the beauty of who you are.
I could be way wrong. It's just what seeped in as I read your story and listened to your heart.
Shall
Shall, firstly, thank you. For your prayers, your story, and your thoughts. Your comment was so thoughtful and kind and humble. It hurt when I first read it, but I think it hurt because you were poking at areas I needed to have poked. The first thing that absolutely rang true was what you said about Chris. He truly is better at seeing the beauty in things and showing graceful love. He’s better at focusing on the good than I am. It’s one of the reasons I love him. He’s so good for me and pulls me out of myself. He teaches me the gentle things that God wants me to learn.
The thing I wrestled with was your comment about how love scars us. How beauty is made more beautiful by the imperfections. I believe in many ways that what you are saying is so true, but my heart resists it. I long for the Eden before the fall. I struggle to settle for anything less. In some ways, I believe this to be a good sign that I was indeed made for another world. But I know that I have to be careful lest that dissatisfaction turn into bitterness, resentment, or a lack of gratitude. I am not ashamed of my grief, but I don’t want to indulge my grief at the expense of not seeing the beauty in front of me — the beauty that shines out its strength PRECISELY because it has been able to remain bright in the darkness.
Thank you so much for sharing these words. I needed to hear them and will continue to chew on them. And again, I am so, so sorry for the pain you endured with your little Muttley. I can’t even imagine. But you carry your grief with grace, and I appreciate how you’ve connected to my story in a way that feels both personal but respectful. Bless you, Shall. I’m glad to have met you on here. ♥️
This is beautiful.
Also the history-lover in me who has only seen Great Britain from the windows of an airport is fascinated by the idea of worshipping in a 1300 year old church. I know this isn’t a travel blog, but I read your post thinking, “I want to go!”
Hahahaha! If I weren’t such a depressive, broody Enneagram 4, I’d honestly love to just write lighter travel content for all of the gorgeous places I’ve visited. Maybe one day. 😂
Thanks for reading, Amos!
Your husband is a stonemason! Have either of you read Thomas Hardy’s “Jude the Obscure”? As I read it, I learned that Jude is the Patron Saint of Hopeless Causes. Hardy used the name deliberately because Jude was never going to ascend to the high status as a stonemason because he was not formally trained. Jude followed the masonry opportunities that presented themselves around England, but his family was just scraping by. The novel has a sad ending. As one reads “Jude”, knowledge is gained of the art he practiced, but Hardy believes that “fate” is Jude’s opponent. Like Melville’s “Moby Dick” which, on one level, is all about whaling, a deeper level is all about good and evil, Ahab & the white whale and Biblical symbology. “Jude the Obscure” is about skilled stone masons, on one level, but it is a dark drama on a doomed level. FYI
Thanks for the recommendation, Phil! That sounds absolutely fascinating but also a little depressing? 😂
Hallelujah!
When did come into Bath Abbey? I’m chaplain there and always on duty on Mondays!
Oh my gosh you’re kidding! I was there on Saturday and met one of your colleagues. Kicking myself now because I can’t remember her name, but we chatted with her for a long time. She showed us the carving of the Good Samaritan.