This was so spot on, and I really appreciate the passion and firmness you have in your corrective position while still holding grace and gratitude to people’s well-meaning intentions.
That being said, I think a lot of Christian circles simply forget or overlook or get theologically confused that God WILL wipe away every tear—but that time has not come yet. To me, it seems like a lot of people have spiritualized what it will mean for us to suffer (ex: we think more along the lines of “I will be persecuted as a Christian!” and less along the lines of “My heart will hurt over the normal sufferings of life, and maybe a bit more because I yearn for the eventual restoration of the Lord which I hope and wait for.”) We need a good, realistic, applicable theology of suffering. And you provide one, navigating the nuances beautifully and with great tenderness and honesty.
Thank you so much, Kylie. I completely agree with you. Every day, I navigate this question of "what does 'on Earth as it is in Heaven' look like?" As in, why does Jesus instruct us to pray for that right now, when the Bible makes it pretty clear that the full, Heavenly Kingdom is yet to come, but it isn't here now. Where I've kind of landed with it all is this acceptance that yes, suffering is inescapable on this side of eternity, but equally, I do not want to become complacent and assume that this is as good as it gets. As a Christian, I feel commissioned to do whatever I can to move the direction of the cursor a little more in the direction of "perfect" than it was before. I feel like if we know Jesus, we're inherently offered the opportunity to bring the light of his Kingdom to our spheres, so while I know that I cannot escape suffering in this chapter of life, I also won't stop hoping for a world that looks more like God's Kingdom, here and now. Does that make sense? Thank you for such a thoughtful comment and for reading my longwinded piece!
It totally makes sense. I find myself thinking along those exact lines, too, as I look at how I feel the Lord calling me to move about the world. Thank you for sharing this!
I am so sorry to hear this about Humphrey! I think your post is spot on! The Psalmists grieved (22, 39, 42, 88 etc). And creation groans with us! Romans 8. Also Psalm 25:16. So you’re more than allowed to grieve! Grieving and surrendering are not opposite! Ask “how long O Lord?!” Don’t hold back from Him! I’ll be praying for Humphrey! The same God who cares about the sparrows, cares about your dog
Lovely, you have no idea how precious your words are to me right now. Thank you for the reminder. I can write 4,000 words telling myself this same truth, but hearing it from another never ceases to be a comfort. ♥️
Thank you Christina! It's hard enough to be hurting deeply, and then when another suggests that perhaps you need to try harder, be better, surrender more to God - well that just compounds the hurt and creates an even heavier burden rather than bringing the hope and comfort our hearts are crying out for. You have said this so well. And oh, I also reach for the phone because of loneliness, needing to have some kind of connection with others. God bless you!
Mary I’m so glad you could see the heart of what I was trying to communicate here. This was a hard one to write, and I still feel like there are so many unsaid things — holes I need to fill — but my prayer is the the Spirit reveals the truth to anyone who reads it (to myself, too!). Bless you and thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts with me!
Christina, this is so so good. I feel like I've had some really deep battles with the idea that grieving over something means we've made it into an idol. This idea has often been implied to me by well-meaning friends who already HAVE that thing I'm grieving over, which has then led me to wonder whether I don't have said thing because I'm just not as holy as they are, or I haven't surrendered it the way they have, etc etc. I'm learning there are no formulas to force God's hand into giving or not giving us what we long for. That it's okay to journey with him and wrestle with him and beat our fists on his chest for as long as it takes for us to really know that he is good no matter what. And even then there may still be some weeping and wailing and beating of fists, even while I AM fully content and in a place of trusting him, because we live in a fallen world!! Anyways -- thanks for your vulnerability and depth of insight with this piece.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here, lovely. I truly relate to EVERYTHING you’ve said. I’m so grateful to have found kindred spirits here on Substack who love God as I love Him and also grieve as I grieve. It’s made the world a much less lonely place. And I’m so blessed that my writing could offer some relief to some of that hurtful, murky theology you’ve wrestled with. ♥️
What a great reminder, that when we try to bypass the heartache of this world, we also skip over the character of God’s heart. A God, who grieves and mourns with us, a man of sorrows. I saw something recently that said when we are in the valleys of life to not waste those seasons, for they are full of so much wisdom, sanctification, and intimacy with the Lord. Thank you for sharing Christina♥️ this piece is a comfort to all who are grieving with the Lord.
This really helped me today. As I am going through a lot of grief and hurt. And growing closer to Jesus through my grief, he is the only reason I can get through this and your voice has helped me too, so thank you for sharing ❤️
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and let me know that my writing has been a comfort, Micki! That’s such a blessing to me, you have no idea. Praying peace over you during this hard season. ♥️
Just want to say thank you for sharing this part of your story and to say Thank You--for so many years I have struggled with this notion that we seem to continually tell people that they need to let go of their desires and focus on what God wants. Like you, theologically I understand that yes thankfully, God uses the negative things in our life and somehow manages to use them for good. But at the same time I think there has been this toxic need to believe that the actual thing happening is "good" when in no way shape form or fashion is it.
Totally, Amanda! And also this idea that anything we desire is inherently “bad” because we desire it. That’s a subtle message I’ve been given through these types of murky theological conversations. And when I hold them up to the light, they simply don’t tell me the full story of Scripture or of God’s character. Thank you for reading and sharing your own experience on this! It’s good to know that I’m not alone in wrestling with this topic.
So I was going through some old books thinking about selling some (a hard thing for me to do!) and I came across a little book called "God's Minute: A Book of 365 Daily Prayers Sixty Seconds Long for Home Worship". I didn't expect much, but I figured it might be collectible as it is from 1916. I started reading a few and then flipped to the last one. You don't often find gems like this, but then it is often when we stop looking that God provides. Perhaps the best advice for those who desire to comfort those in the grips of sorrow. If you want to say something, start with prayer.
For Bereaved Friends
In Thy wisdom, Whose ways are past finding out, Thou hast appointed our dear ones unto tears. Thou hast called them unto sorrow's Gethsemane, where great loneliness and anguish wring their hearts. Grant, Father, that they may meet Jesus there. This is all that we can pray. Our blundering lips cannot comfort them and our blind eyes cannot discern the purpose of Thy providence. But, O Father of love, draw these sorrowing ones close to Thyself in the person of the sympathetic Saviour. Through their tears may they see Jesus. There is no comfort but in Thee, O God Triune; may all who weep find Thee. Be thou companionship for their perplexity, strength for their weakness and courage for their new life of bereavement. Show them that all Thy plans for Thy children include two worlds. Reveal unto them the tenderness and humaneness of Thy sympathy; comfort them as those whom a mother comforts. This we ask in the name of the Savoiur Who sorrowed and wept. Amen
Wow. 2/2 lost for words, here, Jim. Thank you so much for sharing this. Courage for a new life of bereavement. A plan that contains two worlds. These words are ones I will hold onto.
As I read this, two things came to mind immediately. First, if grief over loss is evidence of the sin of idolatry, tell that to Jesus. He grieved over Jerusalem and he wept at the loss of His friend Lazarus. Are we to accuse Him of a lack of surrender?
The other thought that kept nagging me (partly because I have been guilty of giving similar "advice" with the thought that it was helpful in some way) is that to tell someone not to get their hopes up too high in case what they hope for doesn't materialize is essentially saying that "I don't think your faith, or the mercy of God, is sufficient for you to handle the reality that we all know is possible." Of COURSE, you know that things may not work out. Holding on to the hope of healing, or restoration, or a healthy dog, or a beautiful wedding, is what is sometimes necessary for us to get through the difficult times. And even if times are not otherwise difficult, rejoicing in times of blessing, even if they are anticipated future blessings, is a gift of God, not a lack of discipline. And if our hopes are not fulfilled as we had expected, then we know that the God of all comfort is sufficient to meet our needs. Until then, we find joy in hope.
Jim, I'm going to sound like an arrogant prat for saying this, but I rarely get comments that blow my mind like yours just has lol. I feel like you just summed up what took me 4,000 words to write in the space of like, 100 words, but with additional mic drops in tow. Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! Genuinely enjoyed reading them! And thanks for being here!
Not at all! And let's be honest, my 100 words make most sense in the context of your 4000. As a fellow verbosian (can I coin that term?) I appreciate your thoroughness. I felt like I was along for the ride on your train of thought.
I loved, "I think that this, perhaps, is the Christian definition of “wholeness” we were working so hard to define – the ability to hold two truths at once: “I am suffering, and God is good.” Amen. Your Humphrey looks like my Charlie. My Charlie is almost 12 now and having some physical issues. Grief is hard, I've had my share. What I do, is lay in my tears and keep my eyes on Him. He always comes through for me. May God keep you in His loving arms.
Thank you, Karan. So sorry you're having to feel the grief with your Charlie. Praying that any pain he's experienced would be eased and you can enjoy a good few more years with him. <3
Thank you, as always, for sharing your heart with us Christina. This was a stunning read that put to words so many things I’ve thought but never been able to articulate. And frankly, I think this actually helped me process a lot of my own thoughts surrounding “have you surrendered it” or “is it an idol” I’ve faced from my own friends and family. I remember someone insinuating I was holding onto bitterness with some family members and unforgiveness when in fact I had completely forgiven them, yet I was still working on restoring those relationships. I knew that was totally untrue of my heart and the assertion was frankly hurtful. This was just so darn good truly. What a beautiful thing that we can feel lonely and heartbroken, hope for restoration, and STILL have faith in God!
I'm so sorry that you've had to endure messages like that, Madison. I know how that feels because it has happened to me a few times in my life. I'm so grateful that my writing could help you process some of it and hopefully offer you a bit of relief and freedom from the guilt or shame that comes with well-meaning but misplaced theological advice.
“I do not believe that seeking happiness in honest, wholesome, good things is the same as making those things idols; and I do not believe that grieving the brokenness of those things is somehow an indication that I don’t desire God above all else.”
THIS. A sentiment I wish I’d grasped 20 years ago.
“I believe we can look to God and simply ask Him to help us find that peace, to work out that peace within us through His Spirit, rather than to assume that there’s still some new formula we haven’t cracked”. This… 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
This was so spot on, and I really appreciate the passion and firmness you have in your corrective position while still holding grace and gratitude to people’s well-meaning intentions.
That being said, I think a lot of Christian circles simply forget or overlook or get theologically confused that God WILL wipe away every tear—but that time has not come yet. To me, it seems like a lot of people have spiritualized what it will mean for us to suffer (ex: we think more along the lines of “I will be persecuted as a Christian!” and less along the lines of “My heart will hurt over the normal sufferings of life, and maybe a bit more because I yearn for the eventual restoration of the Lord which I hope and wait for.”) We need a good, realistic, applicable theology of suffering. And you provide one, navigating the nuances beautifully and with great tenderness and honesty.
Thank you so much, Kylie. I completely agree with you. Every day, I navigate this question of "what does 'on Earth as it is in Heaven' look like?" As in, why does Jesus instruct us to pray for that right now, when the Bible makes it pretty clear that the full, Heavenly Kingdom is yet to come, but it isn't here now. Where I've kind of landed with it all is this acceptance that yes, suffering is inescapable on this side of eternity, but equally, I do not want to become complacent and assume that this is as good as it gets. As a Christian, I feel commissioned to do whatever I can to move the direction of the cursor a little more in the direction of "perfect" than it was before. I feel like if we know Jesus, we're inherently offered the opportunity to bring the light of his Kingdom to our spheres, so while I know that I cannot escape suffering in this chapter of life, I also won't stop hoping for a world that looks more like God's Kingdom, here and now. Does that make sense? Thank you for such a thoughtful comment and for reading my longwinded piece!
It totally makes sense. I find myself thinking along those exact lines, too, as I look at how I feel the Lord calling me to move about the world. Thank you for sharing this!
I am so sorry to hear this about Humphrey! I think your post is spot on! The Psalmists grieved (22, 39, 42, 88 etc). And creation groans with us! Romans 8. Also Psalm 25:16. So you’re more than allowed to grieve! Grieving and surrendering are not opposite! Ask “how long O Lord?!” Don’t hold back from Him! I’ll be praying for Humphrey! The same God who cares about the sparrows, cares about your dog
Lovely, you have no idea how precious your words are to me right now. Thank you for the reminder. I can write 4,000 words telling myself this same truth, but hearing it from another never ceases to be a comfort. ♥️
Thank you Christina! It's hard enough to be hurting deeply, and then when another suggests that perhaps you need to try harder, be better, surrender more to God - well that just compounds the hurt and creates an even heavier burden rather than bringing the hope and comfort our hearts are crying out for. You have said this so well. And oh, I also reach for the phone because of loneliness, needing to have some kind of connection with others. God bless you!
Mary I’m so glad you could see the heart of what I was trying to communicate here. This was a hard one to write, and I still feel like there are so many unsaid things — holes I need to fill — but my prayer is the the Spirit reveals the truth to anyone who reads it (to myself, too!). Bless you and thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts with me!
Christina, this is so so good. I feel like I've had some really deep battles with the idea that grieving over something means we've made it into an idol. This idea has often been implied to me by well-meaning friends who already HAVE that thing I'm grieving over, which has then led me to wonder whether I don't have said thing because I'm just not as holy as they are, or I haven't surrendered it the way they have, etc etc. I'm learning there are no formulas to force God's hand into giving or not giving us what we long for. That it's okay to journey with him and wrestle with him and beat our fists on his chest for as long as it takes for us to really know that he is good no matter what. And even then there may still be some weeping and wailing and beating of fists, even while I AM fully content and in a place of trusting him, because we live in a fallen world!! Anyways -- thanks for your vulnerability and depth of insight with this piece.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here, lovely. I truly relate to EVERYTHING you’ve said. I’m so grateful to have found kindred spirits here on Substack who love God as I love Him and also grieve as I grieve. It’s made the world a much less lonely place. And I’m so blessed that my writing could offer some relief to some of that hurtful, murky theology you’ve wrestled with. ♥️
What a great reminder, that when we try to bypass the heartache of this world, we also skip over the character of God’s heart. A God, who grieves and mourns with us, a man of sorrows. I saw something recently that said when we are in the valleys of life to not waste those seasons, for they are full of so much wisdom, sanctification, and intimacy with the Lord. Thank you for sharing Christina♥️ this piece is a comfort to all who are grieving with the Lord.
Thank you so much for reading, Katie! Always grateful to have you here in this little corner of Substack. ♥️
This really helped me today. As I am going through a lot of grief and hurt. And growing closer to Jesus through my grief, he is the only reason I can get through this and your voice has helped me too, so thank you for sharing ❤️
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and let me know that my writing has been a comfort, Micki! That’s such a blessing to me, you have no idea. Praying peace over you during this hard season. ♥️
Just want to say thank you for sharing this part of your story and to say Thank You--for so many years I have struggled with this notion that we seem to continually tell people that they need to let go of their desires and focus on what God wants. Like you, theologically I understand that yes thankfully, God uses the negative things in our life and somehow manages to use them for good. But at the same time I think there has been this toxic need to believe that the actual thing happening is "good" when in no way shape form or fashion is it.
Totally, Amanda! And also this idea that anything we desire is inherently “bad” because we desire it. That’s a subtle message I’ve been given through these types of murky theological conversations. And when I hold them up to the light, they simply don’t tell me the full story of Scripture or of God’s character. Thank you for reading and sharing your own experience on this! It’s good to know that I’m not alone in wrestling with this topic.
So I was going through some old books thinking about selling some (a hard thing for me to do!) and I came across a little book called "God's Minute: A Book of 365 Daily Prayers Sixty Seconds Long for Home Worship". I didn't expect much, but I figured it might be collectible as it is from 1916. I started reading a few and then flipped to the last one. You don't often find gems like this, but then it is often when we stop looking that God provides. Perhaps the best advice for those who desire to comfort those in the grips of sorrow. If you want to say something, start with prayer.
For Bereaved Friends
In Thy wisdom, Whose ways are past finding out, Thou hast appointed our dear ones unto tears. Thou hast called them unto sorrow's Gethsemane, where great loneliness and anguish wring their hearts. Grant, Father, that they may meet Jesus there. This is all that we can pray. Our blundering lips cannot comfort them and our blind eyes cannot discern the purpose of Thy providence. But, O Father of love, draw these sorrowing ones close to Thyself in the person of the sympathetic Saviour. Through their tears may they see Jesus. There is no comfort but in Thee, O God Triune; may all who weep find Thee. Be thou companionship for their perplexity, strength for their weakness and courage for their new life of bereavement. Show them that all Thy plans for Thy children include two worlds. Reveal unto them the tenderness and humaneness of Thy sympathy; comfort them as those whom a mother comforts. This we ask in the name of the Savoiur Who sorrowed and wept. Amen
William T Ellis, LL.D.
Wow. 2/2 lost for words, here, Jim. Thank you so much for sharing this. Courage for a new life of bereavement. A plan that contains two worlds. These words are ones I will hold onto.
Beautifully written Christina, I pray healing over Humphrey and that God will redeem and restore joy.
Thank you so much, Melissa!
As I read this, two things came to mind immediately. First, if grief over loss is evidence of the sin of idolatry, tell that to Jesus. He grieved over Jerusalem and he wept at the loss of His friend Lazarus. Are we to accuse Him of a lack of surrender?
The other thought that kept nagging me (partly because I have been guilty of giving similar "advice" with the thought that it was helpful in some way) is that to tell someone not to get their hopes up too high in case what they hope for doesn't materialize is essentially saying that "I don't think your faith, or the mercy of God, is sufficient for you to handle the reality that we all know is possible." Of COURSE, you know that things may not work out. Holding on to the hope of healing, or restoration, or a healthy dog, or a beautiful wedding, is what is sometimes necessary for us to get through the difficult times. And even if times are not otherwise difficult, rejoicing in times of blessing, even if they are anticipated future blessings, is a gift of God, not a lack of discipline. And if our hopes are not fulfilled as we had expected, then we know that the God of all comfort is sufficient to meet our needs. Until then, we find joy in hope.
Keep writing; I'll keep reading!
Jim, I'm going to sound like an arrogant prat for saying this, but I rarely get comments that blow my mind like yours just has lol. I feel like you just summed up what took me 4,000 words to write in the space of like, 100 words, but with additional mic drops in tow. Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! Genuinely enjoyed reading them! And thanks for being here!
Not at all! And let's be honest, my 100 words make most sense in the context of your 4000. As a fellow verbosian (can I coin that term?) I appreciate your thoroughness. I felt like I was along for the ride on your train of thought.
I loved, "I think that this, perhaps, is the Christian definition of “wholeness” we were working so hard to define – the ability to hold two truths at once: “I am suffering, and God is good.” Amen. Your Humphrey looks like my Charlie. My Charlie is almost 12 now and having some physical issues. Grief is hard, I've had my share. What I do, is lay in my tears and keep my eyes on Him. He always comes through for me. May God keep you in His loving arms.
Thank you, Karan. So sorry you're having to feel the grief with your Charlie. Praying that any pain he's experienced would be eased and you can enjoy a good few more years with him. <3
Wow. Amazing post. Restacking now.
Thanks so much, Rick! Both for reading and for sharing! :)
Continuing to pray for sweet Humphrey's healing! Having a sick pup and no answers is the worst feeling.
So grateful for your prayers, Madison! <3
Thank you, as always, for sharing your heart with us Christina. This was a stunning read that put to words so many things I’ve thought but never been able to articulate. And frankly, I think this actually helped me process a lot of my own thoughts surrounding “have you surrendered it” or “is it an idol” I’ve faced from my own friends and family. I remember someone insinuating I was holding onto bitterness with some family members and unforgiveness when in fact I had completely forgiven them, yet I was still working on restoring those relationships. I knew that was totally untrue of my heart and the assertion was frankly hurtful. This was just so darn good truly. What a beautiful thing that we can feel lonely and heartbroken, hope for restoration, and STILL have faith in God!
I'm so sorry that you've had to endure messages like that, Madison. I know how that feels because it has happened to me a few times in my life. I'm so grateful that my writing could help you process some of it and hopefully offer you a bit of relief and freedom from the guilt or shame that comes with well-meaning but misplaced theological advice.
“I do not believe that seeking happiness in honest, wholesome, good things is the same as making those things idols; and I do not believe that grieving the brokenness of those things is somehow an indication that I don’t desire God above all else.”
THIS. A sentiment I wish I’d grasped 20 years ago.
I appreciate your honesty and perspective!
Thanks so much, Amos!
“I believe we can look to God and simply ask Him to help us find that peace, to work out that peace within us through His Spirit, rather than to assume that there’s still some new formula we haven’t cracked”. This… 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Thank you, Mackenzie!