I love, relate to, and am so grateful for your honesty here. I also am sick of the resigned worship that feels so often less about being long-suffering and more about being self virtuous because we are so good that we still choose to love God even though He has miserable plans for us. 😏😁
He doesn't, of course, have miserable plans for us, and I've clung to Romans 8:28 like you mentioned and have also had to learn that His definition of good is different from mine (literally just wrote a book on this) because I tend to think of good as immediately good, but that's not it. He MAKES good out of everything, even the things the enemy meant for evil. He turns it on its head...but it is a process. And there is time spent in the turning when we don't see the good, and we can confuse the hard things in the process for God's idea of good...and even confuse it with His goodness. The enemy is quick to derail us any way he can. But we are picking up on his schemes, and still determined to see the goodness of God in the land of the living. 🔥
Shannon, thank you for such a thoughtful comment. I'm sorry it's taken me a few days to reply. I've been chewing on what you said. It's difficult for me, even still, to accept that my good and gracious God has a different idea of "good" than what I have. It is quite literally a daily battle to surrender to the truth of it, and I can only do it by reminding myself, almost hourly, that it's okay if God's definition is different because He well and truly loves us. Perfectly so. And I love that you quoted Psalm 27:13. That is one of my "heart" verses. Tell me about your book! Is it published? What's it called? I'd love to hear more!
Hey, yes! It was published last fall and it’s called Risk the Ocean: An Adoptive Mom’s Memoir of Sinking and Sanctification. It’s about my struggle with depression during our first several years of post-adoption chaos, when we had six kids and three had special needs. It’s here on my site, thanks for asking. 🤍
Oh my. I am going to recommend this to a friend of mine! Her adoption journey with their daughter has been one of such incredible grief, and she hasn’t found many resources that speak to it. Thank you so much for sharing!
Ohh, thank you so much! It is so hard because it feels like grief as an adoptive parent is taboo; everything is supposed to be sunshine and rainbows and most people don’t understand what’s really happening behind the scenes.
I have another book on adoption that she might prefer to start with (it’s shorter, cheaper, and the first three chapters are free online) — it’s about understanding and supporting attachment in adoptive families, and it’s the one that we constantly hear “This is what I’ve needed for so long” from adoptive families. The free content is here in audio: https://shannonguerra.substack.com/p/upside-down-the-directors-cut-audiobook?s=w
Would love to connect, Shannon! As a new- ish mom with baby with special needs, I write about these themes so often in my substack. So glad I found you and Christina!
This is so beautiful. I feel this on so, so many levels. Thanks for your honesty and bringing up all the difficult and lovely and that we can’t get to it on our own. I write about these themes often in my Substack, too. After a year with our baby dodging death, having two major surgeries, and on and on ( and I get the chronic pain part ), your words feel like a letter from a kindred soul friend. Also- every time my dog, who has major health issues, gets sick and HE dodges death’s door, I can’t help but ask similar questions.. still knowing, He is with us in all things, above all things. I love how you ended with it is all… amen.
Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your story, Julie. I'm so, so sorry to hear that you've had to endure so much heartbreak with your baby and your dog. I don't think it ever gets easier, and I don't think we ever stop wanting it to end. I pray for redemption over your grief the same way I pray for redemption over mine. And I'm grateful to know I'm not alone in these feelings. <3
Just magnificent. I’ve wrestled so hard with these same concepts you’ve written here. It’s so validating to read something that finally reflects my conversations with the Lord too. In reading this piece I am left reminded of the evidence that we are set apart. Our hearts long to praise Jesus AND not be in pain or suffering at the same time because we were made for Heaven. We want big faith and ease because we are His children who long to come Home. Love your firm decision to worship and reach for “on earth as it is in heaven” no matter what. And your humility to call on the Holy Spirit when choosing hope is just frankly too hard. So real. Thank you Christina! And praise Jesus!Archiving this to reread when needed.
Thank you so much for all that you said here, Katie. It really means a lot to me. I've been writing for years without feeling like "my people" could find me. To have readers now who not only understand but share in my wrestling is such a gift.
May 30·edited May 30Liked by Christina Lynn Wallace
Thank you. We have this past week had the following happen: our “perfectly healthy but why did it take so long” nineteen month old daughter finally began walking; our talented son was invited to a prestigious baseball tournament in Florida, but his local league and local team don’t care and he was passed over for local All-Stars; our wonderful 19 year old family cat passed away in the presence of all of our six children, when his sister died seven months ago and sent me into a tough spiral. I’ve had a roller coaster of a week and Jesus still abides with me. This post meant so much to me. I cling onto hope in this wild season. I know the meaning of Romans 8:28 better than I’ve ever understood it…. “Be still and know that I am God” is also a pertinent one in this season.
Thank you for writing what my heart has yearned to express for seven months or so.
Jenn, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. Apologies that it's taken me so long to get back to you. I am so, so sorry about the cocktail of grief and joy you're enduring – especially the death of your beloved cats. I never understood such deep love for an animal until bringing my Humphrey home. Now I get it, and I understand why it's such a grief to lose them. Praise God that your beautiful daughter began walking! This is something to be celebrated.
And something came to mind when you mentioned your son and how his local team aren't acknowledging him right now: I found myself in a slightly similar situation (though I am nowhere near as athletically talented as your son).
In high school, I trained for 3 years to run the LA Marathon. It was incredibly difficult for me. Training was only meant to take 1 year, at which point I'd complete the season by running the Marathon with my team. But I dropped out 2 years in a row from injuries, pain, and exhaustion. I didn't know at the time that I had an autoimmune condition which made long-distance running well and truly more painful than most of my team mates. I just thought I was weak. Well, in the final year, I was determined to complete the Marathon, but I had to drop off the team again about 2/3rds of the way through the season because I was too sick to run the 18-mile race (to remain on the team, you had to complete each of the checkpoint races before getting to the Marathon). But I wasn't willing to give up on running the Marathon itself, so even though I was dropped from the team, my mom and I signed up independently to run the Marathon together. I was there in LA, with all my former team mates, and they could see that I had showed up to finish what I started, even if I didn't get to wear one of the team shirts. In the end, I completed the Marathon, and it was a huge feat for me, emotionally and physically.
After the final race, my former coach hosted a huge party in a local public park for everyone who had finished the season, and my former teammates asked if I was coming (many of them still considered me part of the team, even though I hadn't completed all of the preliminary races before the Marathon). I had every intention of going, when my former coach messaged me to tell me SPECIFICALLY that I was not welcome to attend. She told me that I had not accomplished what my teammates had accomplished, and I was therefore unqualified to celebrate with them.
After spending years training for this Marathon and overcoming so much in order to complete it, my own coach, who had watched me struggle, chose to diminish what I'd fought so hard to achieve.
In the moment, it hurt so badly. I felt so small, as I imagine your son must feel. But I am so certain that a day will come when he looks back and sees that his talent and determination was far more exemplary than the small-mindedness of his local team. Tell him not to give up. God sees him, and His opinion is far more important anyway. Be still and know. <3
I’m so glad I’ve found your writing. You write so well.
I think the desire for wholeness and joy is a completely Godly one. God doesn’t want us to be masochists. I believe that he uses our suffering but doesn’t cause it, though that can be hard too. When my mum got cancer and died in her early 40s I took comfort in thinking that God had sent the cancer - that it was some sort of gift. I now believe that the cancer came because of our fallen world and broken bodies and that he worked miracles in it and ultimately gave her complete healing by taking her home, but that cancer is not his will for any of us.
When Jesus was on earth there is no record of him causing suffering (except withering the fig tree and clearing the temple) and so many instances of him removing it.
I think our understanding of good can be different from Gods in the same way that a child might think that their ultimate good is to eat nothing but lollies and watch tv all day, and their parents seem to be inflicting harm by preventing that, but that in the long term we will always find that his definition of good is far ‘gooder’ than ours.
I love, relate to, and am so grateful for your honesty here. I also am sick of the resigned worship that feels so often less about being long-suffering and more about being self virtuous because we are so good that we still choose to love God even though He has miserable plans for us. 😏😁
He doesn't, of course, have miserable plans for us, and I've clung to Romans 8:28 like you mentioned and have also had to learn that His definition of good is different from mine (literally just wrote a book on this) because I tend to think of good as immediately good, but that's not it. He MAKES good out of everything, even the things the enemy meant for evil. He turns it on its head...but it is a process. And there is time spent in the turning when we don't see the good, and we can confuse the hard things in the process for God's idea of good...and even confuse it with His goodness. The enemy is quick to derail us any way he can. But we are picking up on his schemes, and still determined to see the goodness of God in the land of the living. 🔥
Shannon, thank you for such a thoughtful comment. I'm sorry it's taken me a few days to reply. I've been chewing on what you said. It's difficult for me, even still, to accept that my good and gracious God has a different idea of "good" than what I have. It is quite literally a daily battle to surrender to the truth of it, and I can only do it by reminding myself, almost hourly, that it's okay if God's definition is different because He well and truly loves us. Perfectly so. And I love that you quoted Psalm 27:13. That is one of my "heart" verses. Tell me about your book! Is it published? What's it called? I'd love to hear more!
Hey, yes! It was published last fall and it’s called Risk the Ocean: An Adoptive Mom’s Memoir of Sinking and Sanctification. It’s about my struggle with depression during our first several years of post-adoption chaos, when we had six kids and three had special needs. It’s here on my site, thanks for asking. 🤍
https://copperlightwood.com/risk-the-ocean
Oh my. I am going to recommend this to a friend of mine! Her adoption journey with their daughter has been one of such incredible grief, and she hasn’t found many resources that speak to it. Thank you so much for sharing!
Ohh, thank you so much! It is so hard because it feels like grief as an adoptive parent is taboo; everything is supposed to be sunshine and rainbows and most people don’t understand what’s really happening behind the scenes.
I have another book on adoption that she might prefer to start with (it’s shorter, cheaper, and the first three chapters are free online) — it’s about understanding and supporting attachment in adoptive families, and it’s the one that we constantly hear “This is what I’ve needed for so long” from adoptive families. The free content is here in audio: https://shannonguerra.substack.com/p/upside-down-the-directors-cut-audiobook?s=w
And the most shared chapter is here online: https://copperlightwood.com/2014/04/upside-down-part-two.html
I hope that blesses her. We help adoptive families all the time, so I’d love to connect with her if she’d like that.
Thank you, Shannon! I will pass all of this info on to her. I’m sure she’ll really appreciate it.
Would love to connect, Shannon! As a new- ish mom with baby with special needs, I write about these themes so often in my substack. So glad I found you and Christina!
Hey Julie! Yes, happy to connect! Off to check out your posts now...
This is so beautiful. I feel this on so, so many levels. Thanks for your honesty and bringing up all the difficult and lovely and that we can’t get to it on our own. I write about these themes often in my Substack, too. After a year with our baby dodging death, having two major surgeries, and on and on ( and I get the chronic pain part ), your words feel like a letter from a kindred soul friend. Also- every time my dog, who has major health issues, gets sick and HE dodges death’s door, I can’t help but ask similar questions.. still knowing, He is with us in all things, above all things. I love how you ended with it is all… amen.
Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your story, Julie. I'm so, so sorry to hear that you've had to endure so much heartbreak with your baby and your dog. I don't think it ever gets easier, and I don't think we ever stop wanting it to end. I pray for redemption over your grief the same way I pray for redemption over mine. And I'm grateful to know I'm not alone in these feelings. <3
Thanks for your dear comment! Love finding & connecting with you on the interwebs..
Thank you for sharing, it's beautiful to read and I relate to this so personally.
Thank you so much, Ahuoiza! So grateful that my writing gave you something to find yourself in. <3
Beautiful and moving. What an introduction to your writing! ❤️
Thank you so much, Rachel!!
Just….wow.
Thank you, Jon!
Just magnificent. I’ve wrestled so hard with these same concepts you’ve written here. It’s so validating to read something that finally reflects my conversations with the Lord too. In reading this piece I am left reminded of the evidence that we are set apart. Our hearts long to praise Jesus AND not be in pain or suffering at the same time because we were made for Heaven. We want big faith and ease because we are His children who long to come Home. Love your firm decision to worship and reach for “on earth as it is in heaven” no matter what. And your humility to call on the Holy Spirit when choosing hope is just frankly too hard. So real. Thank you Christina! And praise Jesus!Archiving this to reread when needed.
Thank you so much for all that you said here, Katie. It really means a lot to me. I've been writing for years without feeling like "my people" could find me. To have readers now who not only understand but share in my wrestling is such a gift.
Thank you. We have this past week had the following happen: our “perfectly healthy but why did it take so long” nineteen month old daughter finally began walking; our talented son was invited to a prestigious baseball tournament in Florida, but his local league and local team don’t care and he was passed over for local All-Stars; our wonderful 19 year old family cat passed away in the presence of all of our six children, when his sister died seven months ago and sent me into a tough spiral. I’ve had a roller coaster of a week and Jesus still abides with me. This post meant so much to me. I cling onto hope in this wild season. I know the meaning of Romans 8:28 better than I’ve ever understood it…. “Be still and know that I am God” is also a pertinent one in this season.
Thank you for writing what my heart has yearned to express for seven months or so.
Jenn, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. Apologies that it's taken me so long to get back to you. I am so, so sorry about the cocktail of grief and joy you're enduring – especially the death of your beloved cats. I never understood such deep love for an animal until bringing my Humphrey home. Now I get it, and I understand why it's such a grief to lose them. Praise God that your beautiful daughter began walking! This is something to be celebrated.
And something came to mind when you mentioned your son and how his local team aren't acknowledging him right now: I found myself in a slightly similar situation (though I am nowhere near as athletically talented as your son).
In high school, I trained for 3 years to run the LA Marathon. It was incredibly difficult for me. Training was only meant to take 1 year, at which point I'd complete the season by running the Marathon with my team. But I dropped out 2 years in a row from injuries, pain, and exhaustion. I didn't know at the time that I had an autoimmune condition which made long-distance running well and truly more painful than most of my team mates. I just thought I was weak. Well, in the final year, I was determined to complete the Marathon, but I had to drop off the team again about 2/3rds of the way through the season because I was too sick to run the 18-mile race (to remain on the team, you had to complete each of the checkpoint races before getting to the Marathon). But I wasn't willing to give up on running the Marathon itself, so even though I was dropped from the team, my mom and I signed up independently to run the Marathon together. I was there in LA, with all my former team mates, and they could see that I had showed up to finish what I started, even if I didn't get to wear one of the team shirts. In the end, I completed the Marathon, and it was a huge feat for me, emotionally and physically.
After the final race, my former coach hosted a huge party in a local public park for everyone who had finished the season, and my former teammates asked if I was coming (many of them still considered me part of the team, even though I hadn't completed all of the preliminary races before the Marathon). I had every intention of going, when my former coach messaged me to tell me SPECIFICALLY that I was not welcome to attend. She told me that I had not accomplished what my teammates had accomplished, and I was therefore unqualified to celebrate with them.
After spending years training for this Marathon and overcoming so much in order to complete it, my own coach, who had watched me struggle, chose to diminish what I'd fought so hard to achieve.
In the moment, it hurt so badly. I felt so small, as I imagine your son must feel. But I am so certain that a day will come when he looks back and sees that his talent and determination was far more exemplary than the small-mindedness of his local team. Tell him not to give up. God sees him, and His opinion is far more important anyway. Be still and know. <3
I hear you on this Christina. So many tensions in our faith walk! Praying you get the answers you need for your gorgeous puppy x
Thank you so much, Andrea!
I’m so glad I’ve found your writing. You write so well.
I think the desire for wholeness and joy is a completely Godly one. God doesn’t want us to be masochists. I believe that he uses our suffering but doesn’t cause it, though that can be hard too. When my mum got cancer and died in her early 40s I took comfort in thinking that God had sent the cancer - that it was some sort of gift. I now believe that the cancer came because of our fallen world and broken bodies and that he worked miracles in it and ultimately gave her complete healing by taking her home, but that cancer is not his will for any of us.
When Jesus was on earth there is no record of him causing suffering (except withering the fig tree and clearing the temple) and so many instances of him removing it.
I think our understanding of good can be different from Gods in the same way that a child might think that their ultimate good is to eat nothing but lollies and watch tv all day, and their parents seem to be inflicting harm by preventing that, but that in the long term we will always find that his definition of good is far ‘gooder’ than ours.